Christmas 2004: Black Elephant Christmas
by ajremix
Summary: Eagerness for Christmas to come. Christmas with a Schwartz twist. Which means nothing good.


Black Elephant Christmas  
Weiß Kreuz

When you're forced to live with a team of psychos and idiots there is one thing you quickly learn: it gives a sane, intelligent person a massive headache. Especially when stupid little holidays crop up.

Halloween was a favorite for them because Nagi got sweets. Farfarello got let out of his cage and was allowed to kill a couple people (no kids and no large groups, he was told, and it had to be on the midnight hour only or the privilege was revoked for the next year). Schuldig liked it because he could dress up in his best and performed several sexual acts (some of which were illegal but no one was counting) on complete strangers. Crawford wasn't certain how that differed from any of Shculdig's other nights out in town.

Easter had to be the worst, however. Especially after the last year when Nagi had persuaded everyone to hide half a dozen eggs apiece and they had to find the others' eggs. Schuldig, as usual, cheated and read the location of the eggs off of everyone's minds and gave nudges to keep them from going near his own eggs. The only one whom no one could find the eggs of even after the hunt was over was Farfarello's and the German couldn't find the location no matter how deep in the psycho's mind he went (which was never too far, Farfarello's jumbled mind always gave him a headache so big it echoed into everyone else's head).

Soon after a strange smell started filling the house that just got worse and worse as time went on, no matter how many cans of aerosol they used. It was two weeks later when Crawford order a complete scrub down of the house that they found bits of rotted rabbit in places like under the fridge, beneath the carpet, inside light fixtures. In total count there were six different bits of rotted rabbit. Crawford told them now that Farfarello had officially killed the Easter Bunny there was to be no more egg hunts. Schuldig and Nagi didn't argue.

This year, after an extremely boring couple of months where Schwarz had no one to beat the snot out of, they decided to throw a little Christmas party. Well, Schuldig did, Nagi just went along with it because he had nothing better to do. After the second set of decorations were destroyed Schuldig strapped Farfarello to chair and convinced him that they weren't actually celebrating the birth of Christ but Santa Clause and the deadly sin avarice. And because of that it would not only hurt God but also make the Baby Jesus cry because he was being ignored. After the third set of decoration were put up, Crawford routinely found more tacky crap in the house every morning from Frosty the Snowman to reindeer and candy cane. He even found a Star of David one day. Schuldig laughed and tried to find a place for it all but when the fire marshal came by and told Crawford the amount of lights and automaton figures on their roof was a safety hazard the American called the decoration gathering to a halt.

And then the business with the tree. Normally Crawford wouldn't have gone out on a mundane errand with the others. But then getting a Christmas tree was hardly mundane. That and he got the vision that if he left Schuldig in charge they'd be getting a visit from the local police department about three people that took a tree from the protective confines of the public park.

The other three Schwarz members (only Schuldig, really) were put out when Crawford looked at the artificial trees, particularly the small ones. Schuldig tried the argument that they were easily flammable and tended to be toxic which meant there would be more than one occasion that they'd have to get Farfarello's stomach pumped. Crawford pointed out that fake trees were decidedly more evil than real trees because it symbolized falsehood and consumerism and pride in getting a larger and more discolored and all-round tackier tree than one's neighbors. The Nagi pointed out one of the tiny artificial trees that not only had little lights and a star permanently attached to it, but also danced to music. Crawford said that that was a little /too/ evil and left the conversation at that.

So it was narrowed to a big, fluffy fir that had a tendency to shed constantly and lean to one side (Schuldig's decision) and a white plastic spiral suspended around a central pillar with thin wires holding the 'branches' up (Crawford's). They ended up going, instead, with a relatively normal sized, artificial green tree with sparkly silver snow sprayed onto it because Farfarello had eaten one of the branches because he said it looked like a marshmallow. He then claimed that the tree had a sort of minty taste to it. In retaliation the two took away the Irishman's knives. Nagi, the most susceptible to such things as the 'spirit of the season', snuck in a paring knife when Farfarello's whining annoyed him too much.

And then someone came up with the bright idea of everyone needing to get/have presents. Then they all thought of the last Easter fiasco and shuddered. Except for Farfarello who cackled and caused everyone to shudder again. So it was decided that they'd do a White Elephant (Black Elephant, Schuldig said, let Weiß have their wussy-ass color) gift exchange.

Crawford told Schuldig that if he used his telepathy to find out who had him, what they got him or plant ideas of what to get him then Crawford would personally burn whatever gift Schuldig got. The German agreed but his look said, 'You best keep me busy then, shouldn't you?' Crawford spent the rest of the season until Christmas to alternately hiding Schuldig's favorite jacket, jewelry or beer. Schuldig would definitely not think of anything else whenever his favorite beer came up missing, mainly because it was imported and damn expensive.

As it came about, as typical as it always had to have been, Takatori decided he need to do a business venture during the holiday season. Nothing too pressing so not all of Schwarz had to accompany him. That meant the only one he wanted was Crawford because he knew how to behave himself in public. Times like this Crawford wondered why he left America and why he never foresaw how stupid this job was before he agreed to it.

The rest of Schwarz stayed back at the house but Crawford had told them that since they wanted the tradition of Christmas they had to keep with it meaning they couldn't switch around their presents and open them until Christmas morning. And it didn't matter what they planned or how well they all lied. If they opened their presents even a minute before midnight, Crawford would know. Oh yes. The others didn't try to deny anything because Crawford /did/ have a tendency of knowing. Yes indeed.

Takatori's 'business venture' turned out to be nothing more than a chance to get away from his vexatious family. Not that Crawford minded having time away from the psychos and idiots of his team, but he also hated to having to be on /extra/ guard because Takatori was being extra lazy and extra slacking. Crawford wondered when he'd have a time away from the annoyance that is Takatori.

As Christmas Eve rolled into Christmas Ass-Crack of Dawn, Crawford dragged himself into his hotel room after a late night showing of The Nutcracker Suite in which Takatori drunk himself asleep and snored so loudly during the Second Act the people in the next balcony were complaining.

Unbuttoning his dress shirt, a little voice inside his head went 'Knock knock.'

Schuldig, Crawford half grimaced, half smirked to himself. 'What do you want?' He thought back to the German. Cheaper than phones, Schuldig claimed. Hn.

'It's Christmas Morning now, isn't it?'

'Technically.'

'Good enough for us. Can we open our presents now, Crawford-papa?'

Scowling to himself he sent over massive 'shut your mouth or die' vibes via psychic communication. 'What, can't wait for me?'

'You have your present.'

'No I don't.'

'Sure you do.' Schuldig said. 'You didn't tell me I couldn't find out who got everyone else as their Black Elephant gift.'

Crawford's brow furrowed. 'But, that would be just like the same thing….' He could feel Schuldig grin. Loopholes. It was always loopholes with Schuldig. 'Forget it, never mind. Anyway?'

'Anyway, I told him to put your present in your bag. That way we can all open our presents at the same time. Just like a real family!' Schuldig gave a melodramatic sigh that caused Crawford to bite back a snicker.

'All right, all right. Where is it?'

'In the small compartment of your suitcase. Near the bottom, of course.'

'Of course.' Crawford agreed. 'Should I get a warning on what it could possibly be?'

'It /is/ from Farfarello.' Schuldig told him. 'Other then that I can't tell you.'

Oh God, Crawford groaned. That meant it could be just about /anything/. But it couldn't be any worse than when Farfarello had put a mutilated rat on Crawford's pillow as a birthday present. The memory still made him shudder.

He pulled out a bag and opened it up to see a bundle. His stomach waiting to plunge into recesses that haven't recently been explored, Crawford spread the bundle. Inside it was nothing. The bundle itself turned out to be a set of pajamas that had a very cutesy winter scene print. Precious Moments © print to be exact. How Farfarello managed to find pajamas like that at that size was beyond Crawford and if the masochist actually taken an interest in sewing (which would help whenever he cut himself, really), Crawford did not want to know about it. As he looked at the pajamas, a piece of paper fluttered out. On it in Farfarello's messy handwriting was: 'Angels pelting each other with snowballs hurts God'. If a note could cackle, Crawford was certain this one would.

'That's an interesting impression I'm getting.' Schuldig thought, cutting into Crawford's attention.

'You wouldn't believe. I'd rather not believe and I'm holding it.'

'Anyway, you got another present.'

Crawford arched an eyebrow. 'Another present?'

'This one from me. I saw it and couldn't help but think of you.'

'It's porn, isn't it?' Crawford accused. 'You seem to think I don't lead a very sexually active life.'

'Obviously not! You haven't had sex with me, yet.'

'Neither has Nagi or Farfarello.'

'Nagi's not old enough. Farfarello's not sane enough.'

'And I'm not desperate enough.'

He could feel Schuldig roll his eyes. 'Whatever. There's another present for you in that same compartment.'

It took Crawford a moment of groping deep inside the pouch to find a small cloth covered box. Opening it up he found 'a monocle?' He thought.

'Do ya like it?' Schuldig asked excitedly. 'Glasses are so boring but monocles rock! They got style and pomp and all sorts of snobby stuff going on. Sorta like you. You know. If you had a monocle.'

'Schuldig,' Crawford thought, 'I think you've just possibly become more insane. Besides, I wear glasses for a reason, you know.'

'You could always get that laser eye surgery. I /know/ you got enough money for it. You don't spend money on /anything/.'

That's because he invested it. Being a pre-cog had its merits, after all. But Schuldig did have point. He certainly /did/ have more than enough money for the procedure.

Crawford picked up the monocle and watched it reflect in the light. Taking off his glasses he settled the object as best he could and peered closely at a mirror, trying to see how he looked. Hmmm. It certainly had some sort of…. well, /something/ to it. Not like he'd ever let Schuldig know that.

Instead he tucked the glass into his shirt pocket and thought for the telepath to hear, 'I'll think about'.


End file.
